Back…part 1

Back…when life was simple as that
I didn’t know I’d miss it so bad
When this whole world had way less worries, nobody in a hurry and back
To mama’s home cookin’ and dad
Was baitin’ my hook and I’m sitting on a tailgate,
Thinking ’bout those days just
Wish I was back (Colt Ford, “Back”)

I loved my childhood. Sand box in the back yard, swing set, four wheeler, rec ball…I loved it. I have so many fond memories of playing with my cousins, fighting with them, working in the garden, flipping go carts…I could go on and on. Suffice it to say that growing up in the South was fun.

And I’m serious when I say that Duck Dynasty has rekindled some sort of deep nostalgia within me. It’s more than a little weird that a reality TV show that’s probably half-fake has done that, but it has. And if I need to take a good trip down memory lane, all I have to do is listen to that Colt Ford song that I excerpted from above.

Well, I did just that a few times and tonight, I want to write about my dad before I go to bed.

He and I are more alike than either of us would like to admit. We are both great people persons and we both work very hard to be sure that everyone around us is happy. (I’d be willing to bet he’s an ENFJ – like me…or I’m an ENFJ like him…however that works)

It suddenly occurs to me that most of the great childhood memories that I have involve my father. Here’s but one of those…

One of my childhood companions – Hendry – was over at the house one day. We decided that it would be a good idea to pick up rocks from the gravel driveway, and try to hurl them on top of the roof of the house. This was a foolproof plan, except for the fact that my mother’s car was parked in the carport – underneath our target.

I threw a rock with everything I had. I might have been 6 or 7 years old at the time – so I admittedly didn’t have much…and the rock didn’t quite make it to the roof. Instead, it crashed into the rear window of my mother’s mid 1980s white Honda Accord.

(I know the picture isn’t a white Honda, but that’s still a pretty sweet ride, huh? I loved that little car. I’ll probably write more about it later.)

Back to the story…

I knew that the rock I threw had probably cracked her rear window; we might have even inched forward stealthily, like guilty kids do, to inspect and verify that there was, in fact, a crack there.

I don’t remember, to be honest.

I do, however, remember that I got off the school bus the next day at my grandmother’s house. I had my bologna sandwich and watched He-Man just like I always did.

Then my dad came home. It seemed like he was home a little earlier than usual.

He was quite serious as he entered Grandma’s house. In fact, I’m not sure he even entered. I know he came to the door, and then he and I had a conversation on Grandma’s porch. Just the two of us.

“Did you throw a rock and hit your mom’s car?”

“uuuuummmmmmm.” I said, staring at the floor of the porch…wishing I was somehow under the porch, escaping this intense interrogation.

“Well, did you”

To be completely honest, I don’t know what I said. I don’t know if I lied about it. I don’t know if I admitted to it. I’m not sure if I just sat there and stared like a confused little puppy. I’m just not sure.

I do remember that at some point, my father said, “You lied, son, and I have to punish you.”

And for all of the things I don’t remember about that conversation, one thing does stick out: I’ll never forget the look on my Dad’s face when he said that to me.

I’ll also never forget the look as he bent me over his knee. He must have been experiencing, based on his face, some mixture of disappointment, anger, and an intense longing to not have to spank his son. But he did. Right there on Grandma’s front porch, on Hwy 441. Cars speeding by, seeing the whole thing. Someone from school probably saw it. I’d be the laughingstock tomorrow.

He even said that cliched old line, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.” But in that moment – and this is probably my strongest memory from this incident, save the extreme disappointment I felt – my father really felt that way. I believed then, as a kid, and I believe now, as an adult…more than twenty years removed from the experience, that spanking me honestly hurt him more than it hurt me.

I’ve never forgotten that moment, and don’t think I ever will. It was one of the defining moments of my childhood, though…and I remember it now – as a father…the influence and impact we can have on our kids even through what seems like some of the smallest moments.

more to come…time for bed now, though.

This week…

This has been a tough week for me emotionally. And I blame Duck Dynasty. Seriously. Last weekend, Aidan was sick so there was a lot of down time. It just so happened that seasons 1 & 2 of DD were free on Xbox video, so I started to watch them all again. I’d seem a few episodes before and liked them, so I revisited the show – reminded by all of the hype surrounding the new season.

After watching Seasons 1 & 2 twice, and catching up on season 3…I must admit that the show has made me feel quite uneasy. Not in the ways that you might think, though. Watching these crazy rednecks has awakened some deep-seeded nostalgia within the depths of my soul.

And – I’m not kidding – has kept me up at night.

For years, I’ve heard the common refrain: “You should write a book.” I agree! I should! The problem is that I have about 3 books rolling around in my brain right now. So I’ve finally started putting pen to paper on one of those ideas. Literally. For some reason, I like to start writing with a notebook and a pen. I had a lot of epiphanies about how to approach this one idea last week. Then life happened (the kid got sick) and I had to pause for a bit.

While I was pausing, I watched Duck Dynasty. The aftermath of that has gotten me to thinking almost nonstop about something else to write…

I’m thinking that I might throw out some ideas here just to see what happens. At the least, it might keep me honest about developing and finishing a project. I’ve already gotten a good bit written in my notebook. The next step is finding the courage to keep going.

I think I might use this forum to do just that….

This should be interesting! 

Didn’t realize I was all that and a bag of chips!

After hearing the discussions people have been having and the statements that folks have made this week, I must say that I’m flattered. And more than a little ashamed of my fellow Americans. Don’t get me wrong, people have the right to say what they want in this country, which is part of what makes this country so great. I don’t deny anyone that basic, essential freedom.

I do, however, wish that people might use it differently sometimes. In the past week, I’ve been: likened to “pomps whores, & wellfare brats & their soulless supporters,” in addition to “subhuman varmint” who believes that “others must pay for [my] obesity booze cellphones birthcontrol abortions & lives.” And that was just by one washed up rock “star.”

A former students insinuated that I was a “dumb ass,” and a family member even threatened to disown me.

All because of politics? Is this how far we’ve come? Really? In 2012?

A few thoughts on the election…

I don’t normally do political posts. In fact, this is the first one I will have posted on this blog. So here goes…

1. The world is not going to end now that President Obama has won reelection. I know it feels that way, which I’ll get to in a second, but it’s really not a sign of the end times apocalypse of Biblical proportions. Yes, the feeling is terrible. In 2004, a whole lot of us experienced a similar feeling. The sting in 2004 was compounded by exit polls that showed Kerry leading. That didn’t work out so well. Anyway, just give it a couple of days. That awful feeling will pass and you’ll start to feel better. 

2. It’s time to start playing nice. I read a lot of liberal blogs and while there have been some possibly deserved gloating and lots of well-deserved “WHOO! We did it!” posts, I’m also reading a whole lot of this sentiment: let’s move on. We’ve seen how destructive and nasty Washington can be. Looking at the results of last night’s election – and thinking back to the midterms in 2010 when a slew of Republicans came into office tipping the House back to the Republicans – it seems that people just want Washington to work for them. Stop the nastiness and pettiness and grandstanding and just get some stuff done to push the country forward. (In fact, if I were the Prez, I might have to issue Congress a challenge: put a truly bipartisan jobs bill on my desk by February and I’ll sign it. You know, to show people that Washington can actually do something.) 

3. Do and say unto others as you would have them do and say unto you. Aka: It’s time to stop making instantaneous value judgments of other people (this is really just a corollary to #2). This has been bugging me for quite some time now and just boiled over today as I read posts on social media and throughout the blogosphere. 

Several posts I read today contained this sentiment: “It’s ridiculous that people went out and voted just because of gay marriage and abortion.” And it’s funny, because lots of people said that in 2004 about Bush supporters when such initiatives were placed on ballots to increase enthusiasm among the evangelical voters. I’ve also seen things like: “Glad I get to work my ass off for four more years to pay for some moochers who are too lazy to go get a job.” I could go on and I probably even said some similar things in 2004 about people who supported Bush.

But in the intervening years, I’ve learned a few things. Marriage, children, jobs, real life…they tend to teach the best lessons. So will working in conservative America as a liberal. So will standing before 30 kids in a classroom and trying to get them to do what you’re asking. And the big lessons I’ve learned are 1) we cannot automatically categorize people based on insufficient data and baseless assumptions and 2) we’ll get way farther in life if we build consensus and camaraderie.

Lesson 1: If you think people voted because they like their Welfare check and are too lazy to go get a job, that’s fine. If you’re absolutely convinced that people went out to vote based on abortion and or gay marriage, then OK. You’re more than welcome to think whatever you like. But I see so many people (on social media and in real life) who instead of doing research or attempting to be compassionate and empathetic, just rush to judgment. We’ve gotta stop doing that.

Part of being a teacher is being OK with agreeing to disagree. Thirty-three people crammed into a room certainly don’t agree on everything, but we can all agree to be tolerant and respectful. I don’t see that in so much of the public discourse. A student and I had a good conversation the other day. He didn’t change my mind, nor did I change his (nor was I trying), but we each walked away from each other with a better understanding of where we were coming from. We didn’t yell. We didn’t call each other names. Sure, the conversation was heated at times, but we maintained a calm, respectful tone.

It’s just not that hard. And I know how easy it is to blow off steam because of a disappointing turnout. But in the weeks to come, we’ve gotta forgive and forget. It’s time to move on. It’s time to forgive and forget. It’s time to push for understanding each other. It’s time that we realized that it’s OK to agree to disagree. And we can’t hate each other for it.

Which leads us into Lesson 2. Camaraderie. Consensus. I believe – as the President said in his acceptance speech last night and several other times in the past few years: there’s far more that unites us than that divides us. It’s time to focus on that. I truly believe that both sides probably agree on much more than they’re willing to admit. It’s time to admit it. It’s time to have discussions and figure out where those areas of commonality are. We can develop camaraderie and fellowship by seeking out those areas. Then, when it comes to areas that are perhaps a little more dicey, we’ve built relationships with each other and should be able to have what might be difficult discussions respectfully. Hell, we might even be able to reach compromise that makes us all happy.

4. Get involved! We are a country that is always striving to live up to that Constitutional dictum to create a more perfect union with a government that is supposed to be of, by, and for the people.

I’m teaching American literature again this year and it dawned on me that many of us probably need to get more involved. Look at the founding fathers – discussing, debating, declaring independence, and fighting for what they believed in. Thoreau encouraging us to engage in civil disobedience: “if one HONEST man, in this State of Massachusetts, ceasing to hold slaves, were actually to withdraw from this copartnership, and be locked up in the county jail therefor, it would be the abolition of slavery in America.” And Dr. King preaching, and conducting sit-ins, and marching, and facing the police dogs, and, yes, going to jail for that dream that he and so many others believed in and fought diligently for.

And I look around and see that many of us could probably be doing much more. I’m not out there trying to feed the hungry. I’m not out there trying to find solutions for the homeless folks in downtown Fort Myers. I’m not writing to the newspaper about problems within our community. I wonder how this nation might change if were to all take that “of, by, and for the people” a little more seriously?

I’m very glad we live in a country that allows us to express our opinions and thoughts. I’m very glad that I have a good cross section of friends and acquaintances, some of whom I agree with much of the time, others whom I agree with very seldom…but whom I also love and respect and cherish. And I love this time of year: elections, politics…it’s just fun for me.

But I’m reminded again and again of that challenge to create a more perfect union. I hope that in the challenging times that lie ahead, we can truly come together as one people…one nation…and work side by side and demonstrate compassion and find ways to compromise and seek out common ground so that we can do all that we need to do in order to ensure that America remains the greatest country on earth.  

Been ruminating a while…

It’s been a while since the last post. Things have gotten busy. And I’ve been ruminating a good bit. My classes this year are pretty good, for the most part. I gave up my planning, so I’m teaching 4 blocks of English III and 4 blocks of Honors English III. That’s fun.

I also took on the role of sophomore class sponsor. That’s been fun, too. Especially Homecoming week, with the Powder Puff game, pep rally, and dance clean up. Good times. =) 

The Golden Apple award. Forty-one teachers at our school were nominated. I was one of them, which is incredibly flattering and makes me feel good. Now, I’ve gotta fill out a bunch of paperwork and hope that I’m selected as one of 30 finalists. Then they’ll do interviews and observations to choose the winners. Each winner gets $3000, so I’m putting on my A-game for this one. Three grand would be pretty sweet! 

I decided to teach The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to my Honors kids this year. I’ve never taught it, so it’s been an interesting ride so far (18 chapters in). The kids, surprisingly, seem to be liking it. Well, those who are reading it, that is. 

Still thinking about leaving teaching. I’m pretty sure that this will be our last year in Florida, but who knows where this grand adventure will lead us? I’m hoping North Carolina (research triangle) or Tennessee (Nashville area), personally. And the more I think about it, the more I’m thinking that this will be my last year in the classroom. Don’t get too riled up; there’ll be more on that in a post in the very near future. 

Finally, tomorrow marks the one year anniversary (do you even call it that?!?!) of the death of a good friend’s spouse. They both – and their son – are weighing heavy on my heart as this godawful anniversary approaches. Sending positive thoughts their way. 

The best laid plans…

For some reason, The Biggest Loser was on the TV when I came downstairs tonight after failing miserably at getting our child to bed and being pulled in the 8^th inning so the closer could come in and seal the deal. She has many saves – our closer. Probably a record.

At any rate, I was only half listening to the TV when one story caught my ear. This guy used to be a large man with three kids and a loving wife at home – best friends, they said later. After losing a significant amount of weight and receiving a makeover, he commented about his former self. Life was just passing him by. He didn’t realize that he was doing so much damage to his body. He wanted to be around for his kids.

And I could almost see myself on that show saying the same thing. I wrote just last week about life being a “continuous re-creation of self” and of “seeking and forging one’s own way,” so I connected with what this guy said.

Why do we do this to ourselves, though? I’m reminded of a something Marlow says in Heart of Darkness (that I actually wrote down the first time I read it because it stuck out for me…that’s what kind of English nerd I am):

“Droll thing life is — that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself — that comes too late — a crop of inextinguishable regrets.”

In song after song, book after book, poem after poem, we see similar themes repeated: people seem to fall into a rut. Many of them must be jarred out of our comfort zone; else we run the risk of becoming Ralph Touchett or Prufrock.

I don’t mean to wax philosophical or literary on you all, but that uniquely human ability to become inert in one’s own life is intriguing, if for no other reason than that I’ve unknowingly fallen victim to it. It happens little by little; slips away, if you will. The verve, the energy, the vivacity slowly erode. Maybe your job starts to chisel away at it a little. Maybe you allow your environment to erase some of it here and there. Maybe you just get caught up in being instead of living. Before long, you’re a passenger in your own life. Like the guy on Biggest Loser said: life’s just passing on by.

And pretty soon you’re 30. You weigh 273 lbs. At 6 feet tall, your BMI is 37, which means that you’re “obese” and that you’re only 3 little points away from being considered “morbidly obese.” Your blood pressure reads 150/90.

You’re having these kinds of conversations with your doctor:

“Looking at this, you’ll probably be about 50 when you have a heart attack.” 

 

“Oohh…I see. My grandfather actually died in his 50s after his 2^nd heart attack.”

 

“Well, then…it’ll probably be 40 for you, then, with that history in your family. Ten years.”

You realize that in ten years, your child will be 14 – the age of the children you teach right now. An adolescent who needs his father. You and your wife will have been married for 15 years if she can manage to put up with you for that long. Who knows where you’ll be or what you’ll be doing, but it’d be nice to be alive for it. (Plus, your wife’s not getting the life insurance money that easily.)

You now have blood pressure medication until you lose enough weight to come off of it. You’ve got to watch your sodium intake, as well as the amount of saturated fat you consume. You’ve got to quit drinking almost everything that you like, save water, coffee, green tea, and Crystal Light. Water is your new best friend, as will be exercise tomorrow morning at 5:15 because you’ve got to lose 73 pounds.

You’re overwhelmed. Damn right you are. But you’re determined. That elephant in the room that you’ve ignored for so long or only paid lip service to…has been exposed. You can’t ignore it, no matter how much of a stubborn jackass you might be.

You know that this time, it will be different. Your life depends on it. 

Ruminate

Ruminate (verb): 1) to chew the cud or 2) to think and ponder.

I used to blog a LOT. I’d link to those musings, but I deleted them. I thought that being an unabashed progressive might hurt me as I attempted to get a job in conservative America, so I took some misguided advice and deleted the whole thing. Shouldn’t have, but did. Cowardly move on my part. Oh, well…such is life.

So why did I decide to start blogging again? I’ve wrestled with the notion for a while, but just couldn’t find the motivation. Recently, though, I’ve done a bit of “soul searching,” if you will, and I realize that I still have a lot to say – even if it’s only to and for myself. Selfish, right? I know. But I think this might be the best forum for me to organize my thoughts, work through things, all that jazz.

We’ll see.